Hurry Up -- I've Got To Go!

This truly is one of the funniest things that I have seen in the news lately. I wanted to share it with my multitude of blog readers -- yeah, that's right.

An 80-year-old woman in Fredericksburg, VA, stepped out of her house to buy a newspaper at about 5:30 a.m. She was gone only a short time but upon her return she saw that the bathroom door was closed. She opened the door to find a strange man who had made himself comfortable and was apparently busy about his "business" on her toilet.

Armed with the paper and probably planning to do a little "library" reading herself, the first question out of the lady's mouth was, "How long are you going to be?" Certainly would have been my question under those pressing circumstances.

When he didn't seem to understand and replied in his native tongue which she didn't understand either, she then used that familiar word "police" that seems to break all language barriers.

It was reported that the man left quickly. There were no details as to the progress he had made while he was in the lady's bathroom.

The lady gave the police a great description saying that he was an Hispanic male in his late 20's, wearing a sleeveless black shirt, dark pants and had a tatoo on one of his upper arms. She might have added that he had about 6 feet of Charmin hanging out of his waistband.

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Then there was the would-be robber in Washington, D.C. who slid through an open gate to the backyard patio of a home in the Capitol Hill neighborhood.

A group of friends were having a late dinner of marinated steaks and jumbo shrimp (um! sounds good) when this hooded fool puts a gun to the head of a 12-year-old girl and says, "Give me your money, or I'll start shooting."

As would be expected, everyone froze, but one guest spoke up and told the man that they were just finishing dinner and why didn't he have a glass of wine with them? Now I'm going to ask this armed idiot to have a drink?

The story goes that the robber, with his hood down, took a sip of the Chateau Malescot St-Exupery (bet that bottle didn't have a screw top) and exclaimed, "Damn, that's good wine."

Then the girl's father told the intruder to take a whole glass, and the guest who first spoke up offered him the whole bottle. This robber guy, who definitely should have taken up another line of work, took another sip and a bite of Camembert cheese (couldn't they have at least fixed him a steak and some shrimp?). He puts the gun in the waistband of his sweatpants and here the story turns a lot more bizzarrer (I made up that word -- it seems to fit the situation better).

This robber clown apologizes and tells the aghast family and guests that he thinks he has come to the wrong house. Now get this -- he asks them, "Can I get a hug?" The lady who offered the wine stands up and wraps her arms around the armed man, and four other guests follow suit.

"Can I have a group hug?" the would-be bandit asks, and the five adults comply. The man walks away a few minutes later with the crystal wine glass in hand. Damn that makes them one glass short of a set, and you know how difficult it is going to be to replace it. Oh well, nothing was stolen, other than the glass, and no one was hurt.

Once the robber leaves, everybody runs into the house, locks all of the doors and stares at each other -- absolutely speechless -- a most appropriate reaction. Upon the group's recovery the police were finally called. I guess the trail was cold by then.

Police classified the case as strange but true.

The moral of the story -- always keep yourself armed with a good bottle of wine.

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Oh, and I must report that the 3 or 4-day hunt for Bigfoot that I mentioned in an earlier post has been held and concluded. It was deemed a success. No, they didn't actually see Bigfoot, but they did hear him howl late one night -- enough evidence for me. Wonder if they got a whiff of him/her or perhaps they were upwind? Anyway, I suppose the crew that went along on the chase got their money's worth -- they shelled out $300 apiece for the experience. Reinforces what Phineas Taylor Barnum once said, "There is a sucker born every minute."