Friday, June 29, 2007

Weird and Stupid!

Thought I might continue on today with the theme from the other day, "You Can't Fix Stupid." And I'll add to that "You Can't Fix Weird" either.

Have you looked around lately and observed all of the weird and/or stupid people in your workplace or that you might encounter on a regular basis?

Take a gander at these examples:

A man on a flight from New York to Greensboro, N.C., raised so much hell about the flight attendant being slow about getting him some apple juice that the pilot had to land in Philadelphia so the ignoramus could be dealt with by the authorities. Where was he when God handed out brains?

A woman was arrested Tuesday in Port St. Lucie, Florida, when her husband woke up complaining of a terrible headache and discovered, after she took him to the emergency room, he had been shot in the head. The wife says that she accidentally shot her husband behind the ear as he slept. Two things -- she needs to take a firearms course, and he needs to get a Beltone.

Michael Jackson has largely retreated to his bed rather than do any work. He will have to get out of bed soon because the lease runs out on the Vegas mansion tomorrow, and the owner is moving back. Where that leaves Michael is unclear -- on the street, I guess. Friends and family are "very worried" that he's drugged most of the time on prescription pain killers. I like my little Darvocet once in a while, but his pills must be a lot stronger. Now Michael is that case where you look up "weird" in the dictionary, and there is his picture.

A dentist in New York has been practicing his trade for over 30 years. Medicare/Medicaid is demanding some paperwork to substantiate a claim that he submitted. The dentist's claim states that he filled 52 cavities in one man's mouth in one day. You do the math.

One of our most favorite people, Britney Spears, has got to be about three or four bricks short of a load. She has more money than God and yet she reportedly wanted a DIY dye job. I remember when my Mom used to give herself "home perms." That was really pretty scary, and I'm sure that Britney's was as well. It is said that going from bleached to blackish is a recipe for disaster. In her DIY project the Brister somehow managed to pour the chemicals across her face. Her assistant (should be her keeper) had to go to a salon in the early morning hours to get some dye-removal solution. Why is it that she is so successful and yet so dumb?

Well, this sort of thing could just continue on and on. I want to start some sort of campaign to get rid of all of the weird and/or stupid people, but on second thought there would be too few of us left to run the planet.

Have a nice weekend.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Have You Seen Bigfoot?

Researchers will visit Michigan's Upper Peninsula this summer in search of "Bigfoot" or "Sasquatch." The legendary creature most experts consider to be a combination of folklore and hoaxes has dated back centuries. But some authors and researchers do believe that some of the stories could be true.

The organization sponsoring the Bigfoot search is the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO). Do you suppose we know any card-carrying members of this group?

Matthew Moneymaker, a member of BFRO, said, "We'll be looking for evidence supporting a presence. . . .We hope to meet local people who might have seen a Sasquatch or heard of someone else who has had an encounter." Of course this is quite a ways from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, but I knew some good ole boys from around Montpelier, Mississippi, who were coonhunting and swore that they saw something really, really big in the woods, and it had nothing to do with the moonshine whiskey they were drinking. Moneymaker might try and track one of them down.

BFRO investigators claim that in 30 expeditions in the United States and Canada, in but three of those, Bigfoot has been briefly seen or they have gotten close enough to hear the creature. They didn't mention it, but I have read that Bigfoot also carries a teriffic odor, and it ain't Evening in Paris either.

The late Dr. Grover Krantz, a scientist and Washington State University professor whose field was cryptozoology (did they have that major at State?), believed that Bigfoot is a "gigantopithecus." You've got to be big to carry a name like that. Krantz said the gignatopithecus is a branch of primitive man thought to have existed 3 million years ago. Cryptozoology is defined as the "study of creatures that have not been proven to exist." By definition then I suppose that Krantz and his fellow cryptozoologists also studied Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy.

I think that I got a glimpse of Sasquatch in the Olive Branch WalMart the other day. In fact, speaking of Wallyworld, the OB WalMart has been renovated and benches placed thoughout the store, so I can now sit and watch examples of mankind's finest specimens, practice my Spanish, promise myself I will never get fat and maybe, just maybe see an occasional Bigfoot.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

You Can't Fix Stupid

Ron White, one of my favorite standup comedians, coined the line, "You Can't Fix Stupid," and it is true -- you absolutely can't.

Case in point: A grieving daughter, whose father had passed away, goes to the Los Angeles parking authority to obtain permits to park for those attending the funeral. She could not resist laughing, even in her sorrow, when she was told by the clerk that she could not issue a permit without a letter signed by him.

You can't fix stupid!

Web Walters, my nephew, furnished me with the following examples. Some of you may have received them by e-mail -- they do, however, bear repeating.

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned out when he ran" accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

You can't fix stupid!

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime in Washington, D.C., appeared to be the robber's first (and last) due to his lack of a previous record of violence and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather and Firearms -- a gunshop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers -- firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before going on duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a targer pistol. The officer and clerk promptly returned fire, assisted by several customers who drew their guns and fired.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases, and the subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds to the perpetrator. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons, and no one else was hurt in the barrage.

You can't fix stupid!

My personal favorite: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, N.J., and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured. It seems as though the Stillers were driving around about 2:00 in the morning when they got the bright idea that they would light the quarter stick of dynamite they were carrying in the car and throw it out the window just to see what would happen. It was too late when they realized the windows in the car were up.

You can't fix stupid!

And finally this one is not to be read at dinnertime but here goes. An overzealous zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt of Paderborn, Germany, fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative along with more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm let it fly. Had Riesfeldt not been at the moment trying to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema, he would not have been buried under an avalanche of 200 pounds of poop. The sheer force of the explosion knocked the doomed zookeeper to the ground whereupon he cracked his head on a rock and lay unconscious. Unfortunately he was under the mountain of dung too long to survive before he was discovered.

Stupidity just cannot be fixed -- don't even try.

Aren't we glad we are smart and don't do stupid things -- or do we?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Did You Celebrate "Leon Day?"

Yesterday, June 25th, was "Leon Day" as pointed out in Thanks to Caleb for telling me about this site -- there is usually some good stuff there.

Freakonomics got the Leon Day thing from ButlerWebs' Holiday Guide. Leon is Noel spelled backwards, and it is now exactly six months until Christmas. The holiday is also known to some as 1/2Xmas,

I'm not too wild about the 1/2Xmas thing -- I never liked Xmas for Christmas. But I think "Leon" is kinda nice, and who couldn't use another holiday. I would put on one of those turban-looking things and a robe and celebrate Ramadan if my boss would believe that I had converted to Islam. I'll do anything for a day off -- lie, cheat and/or steal.

Holidays are fantastic, and I am going to start a petition to send to our esteemed and mostly ineffectual "lawmakers" in Washington that all national holidays be moved to either Monday or Friday. Three-day weekends would abound on the calendar -- and what's greater than a three-day weekend but a four-day weekend?

We would have to keep Thanksgiving on Thursday, so we get off both Thursday and Friday. Only a real nasty boss would make one come back on Friday after Thanksgiving. This would have to be explained carefully and slowly to our "lawmakers", or they will screw it up.

Back in my younger days I had a friend, Jimmy Devers, when I lived in Amory, Mississippi. Jimmy's mom would always put big letters in their picture window spelling "NOEL" for the Christmas season, and he would always change the letters to "LEON." It would take her a few days to notice the change. He did it every year and sometimes several times during the holiday season -- you would think that she would have caught on after three or four times.

Devers was one before his time -- he might have invented "Leon Day", and never knew it albeit he had the day about six months late.

So a belated and happy Leon's Day. Let's remember to celebrate in style next year.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Can't Spell Brake

Note in the previous post about Charlie "brake" is spelled incorrectly -- just caught it and didn't want you to think that I wasn't as smart as Charlie.

Charlie's In Trouble

Most of you have pets. I have seen some of you post pictures of your beloved puppies and dogs. And you know, if you read about QT, I have Floyd the cat. Most all of us are crazy about our pets, and we usually think that they have more than above average intelligence. In fact, some of them are downright smart.

Dogs that fetch newspapers and slippers, roll over and play dead, ring the doorbell to get in the house, watch and protect the babies and toddlers, TV fans who watch the boob tube all day long (I have a friend who has one of these dogs) are fairly common.

But probably the smartest dogs of all are those who read the signs on the post office and other government buildings that say "only seeing eye dogs allowed."

David Letterman features that segment of his show on stupid pet tricks. So there are a lot of smart pets out there -- we can agree on that.

How many of them drive cars? That's without a license, of course.

Charlie, a black lab, is in a whole heap of trouble for driving his master's Chevy Impala in the the Pend Oreille River in Idaho. Mark Ewing, the owner of Charlie and the ugly car, just returned home from picking up a pizza, and as he walked to the house Charlie jumped though the open window of the auto and apparently knocked the gearshift into neutral whereupon the car rolled down an incline and splash into the river and sank.

Charlie, being the smart dog he is, jumped out of the window before inpact with the water. Do you suppose Charlie was a little pissed at not getting some sort of dog chow pizza and this was his way of getting back at Mark?

"There's nothing weirder that looking at your car cruising down your driveway when you are not in it and seeing your dog jump out and then watching your car go splash," Ewing said.

It gets a little funnier when the wrecker redneck shows up to retrieve the waterlogged Impala.
I can just picture him as somebody like Goober or Gomer. He asks Mark to hold his false teeth, and he dives into the river to hook up the cable. What else would you expect from somebody working for "Clyde's Tow Service?"

"My car's in the drink, I got dentures in my hand, and this guy Keith goes swimming," Ewing noted.

There is a lesson here -- that little-used emergency break in your automobile has a purpose.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

What The Heck Is That?

I just got some fodder on a subject that is close to my heart -- UFO's. This comes from someone who stays awake listening to Coast to Coast A.M. with George Noory weeknights and Art Bell on weekends. This greatest radio show of all times blasts through the airwaves from 10:00 p.m. 'til 4:00 a.m. on WREC in Memphis. I pray that it is never taken off the air -- if it is just get me ready to meet my Maker.

Coast to Coast A.M., for those of you who are not avid listeners, covers topics varying from the Roswell, New Mexico, UFO crash in the '40's to time travel, alien abduction, black holes, parallel universes and all that good stuff.

I have one of those pillow speakers so that the radio will not keep Melinda awake as I cat nap through the six-hour show. It may surprise some of you that I am into all of this pseudo-science and science fiction, but I am going to have a leg up on most of you when the aliens take over the planet -- I will know what to expect and how best to combat the situation.

Now to the subject of this latest UFO sighting.

One of the largest unidentified flying objects ever reported was recently observed by the crew and passengers on a British airliner over the Channel Islands. Aurigny Airlines captain Ray Bowyer, 50, spotted the object while flying near Alderney and described it as "a cigar-shaped brilliant white light."

As the aircraft got closer to the UFO, Captain Bowyer observed it through binoculars and further described it as a very sharp, thin yellow object with a green area. "It was 2,000 feet up and stationary. I thought it was about 10 miles away, although I later realized it was approximately 40 miles from us. At first, I thought it was the size of a Boeing 727, but it could have been as much as a mile wide." He also saw a similar object further to the west.

The sighting was also confirmed by some of the passengers, an unnamed pilot with the Blue Islands Airline and by a Tri-Lander aircraft flying near Alderney. Most sightings that I have read about have not been nearly this large -- whatever this was, it was bigger than huge.

I don't know your feelings on UFO's, but I can only say that there have been many, many unexplained sightings for far too many years by reputable individuals. There have also been many crazies who have seen lots of things in the heavens as well.

I personally have never seen anything that I could not explain or identify, nor have I been abducted, examined by short grey aliens with big almond-shaped eyes and had a chip imbedded in my body. But I cannot deny that strange things are evidently happening in this infinite universe where we are privileged to occupy a teeny tiny spot.

Are we alone?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Gratitude, Love, Faith and Hope

I wanted to share something with you that I read in Sam Shaw's website. Sam, as some of you know who are from the Memphis area, was the former pastor at Germantown Baptist. Sam is now in Tupelo as senior pastor at Hope Church -- renamed from First Evangelical.

Anyway here it is:

GRATITUDE is about the past and present.
LOVE is about the present.
FAITH is about the present and future.
HOPE is about the future.

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently."
Romans 8:24-25

May God bless you all.

Wow! What A Meal!

We all should stop what we are doing and have a moment of silence today in remembrance of Bob Evans, who passed away from complications of pneumonia at the age of 89. Bob, as many of you know, was the founder of Bob Evans Restaurants. I do not want you to think that I am making light of anyone's life or death, but Bob needs to be remembered as an icon of American

Bob became famous for his sausage, which is still sold in many supermarkets today. According to the news report, he started with $1,000, a couple of hogs, 40 pounds of black pepper, 50 pounds of sage and some secret ingredients. Now that is a recipe that I can make at home. He, it is said, relied on the best parts of the hog as opposed to the scraps commonly used in sausage.

I carefully read Bob's obituary, but nowhere did I find that he was the inventor of "mystery meat." When you were in elementary and high school, you all were introduced in the cafeteria to an unidentifiable substance they called meat. Sometimes it was covered with a gravy-like stuff. Remember?

Well Bob turned this invention, the cornerstone of his menu, into a restaurant empire with sales of $1.6 billion with almost 600 restaurants in 18 states. And some of you were wondering how you could be successful in life. Bob showed us the secret with his restaurants -- start with nothing, discover or invent something that is also nothing and convince millions that they like this nothing.

If you have an uncontrolable desire to eat at a Bob Evans, look for a red brick building with white trim and the yellow "Bob Evans" name, reflecting Evans' handwriting, at the top of the building. One thing you can say, Bob had good penmanship. Order the country-fried steak -- you can opt for white or brown gravy, only the color distinguishes them -- a side dish of mashed potatoes that have never seen the soil of Idaho -- either green peas or baby carrots or have them mixed, and you have got yourself a meal that you will never forget. Thanks Bob!

Side Note: I have found that two or three Bob Evans in the Memphis area have closed their doors -- wonder why? Could it be that Memphians are maybe "gourmet lite?"

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Coffee, Tea or ________?

Airline passengers who endured a two-day trans-Atlantic odyssey with sewage overflowing from stopped up toilets have received an apology from Continental Air Lines for "poor conditions."

Talk about an understatement!

However, understatement is usually the rule of thumb when commercial enterprises are forced to make apologies for poor service, inferior products, "poor conditions" and the like.

According to what one passenger told television station KING in Seattle, only one of the restrooms was partially working. The passenger also said that the flight attendants kept serving meals, while sewage was flowing in the aisles, but told the passengers not to eat too much -- as if anyone could. The rational must have been "less food consumption, less bathroom activity."

Apparently the problem arose on a flight from Amsterdam to Newark on June 13, but it only got as far as Shannon, Ireland, to stop for "repairs." The flight resumed the next day but on the leg from Shannon to Newark the "problem" arose again. Upon landing in Newark it was determined that the cause of the "problem" was that someone had attempted to flush latex gloves.

Most of the time one can just walk away from unpleasant situations, but need I say that this was a problem from which one could not walk away without a parachute. I digress, but this kind of reminds me of the movie about snakes on a plane. I cannot fathom anyone wanting to see that movie.

I remains to be seen what action some passengers might take or what Continental does when it finally realizes that "poor conditions" does not adequately cover this situation.

On your next flight there are three questions that must be asked before one gets on a plane, "What are the conditions of your lavatories?" "Are there any doctors, nurses, clean freaks or anyone else who may have packed latex gloves?" and "Are you carrying any snakes?"

Enjoy your next flight.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

News You Might Have Missed

I'm trying to get back into the saddle after having been away from this blog for a few days. And I have been a little busy at work, so I don't have as much time to spend with my blog. Don't you hate it when work interferes with pleasure?

Three things that I read tucked away in the insides of the newspapers I found to be quite interesting, so I will share them with you.

Tomoji Tanabe, 111, of Japan has been declared the world's oldest man by the Guinness Book of World Records. Tanabe received the title when Emiliano Mercado del Toro (isn't that some kind of bull in Spanish?) of Puerto Rico died at the age of 114. Ironically, the women's record holder, Yone Minagawa at 114, is also from Japan.

I saw a picture of Tanabe, and it's hard to resist the joke of saying that he doesn't look a day over 95, but really he looked pretty good for 111. I not sure how one would feel about being the oldest man or woman in the world. Mr. Tanabe apologized for living so long.

When asked about the key to his longevity, he said that he had refrained from the use of alcohol all of these years -- that 111 years probably seems like 222 to him. It's hard to believe that he never even drank sake. His neighbors said that he ate a lot of veggies and few fried foods.

But before long I will read about Mr. Tanabe passing on, and his obit will say that he died of boredom.

The second newspaper article reported that an 8-foot-long 170 pound alligator was removed Sunday from the home of a reptile enthusiast in Buffalo, New York. The man raised the gator from birth and when it grew too large for its cage, he built a bigger cage but finally had to turn him loose in the basement, albeit he had the basement fixed up nice for the reptile. A rattlesnake was also confiscated from the premises, but some 20 odd other reptiles were left with the man. This man has no hope of breaking Mr. Tanabe's record.

There was no mention of a Mrs. or girlfriend, and I think that I can understand why. His choice of roommates makes one wonder about his social skills.

And finally, three-century-old manuscripts by Sir Isaac Newton are being exhibited to the public this week for the first time. Newton, considered by many to be the world's greatest scientist, had a little-known passion for religion. He studied the Bible extensively and especially the Book of Daniel.

One of his purposes of Bible study was to try and determine when the world would end -- not so much as to set an exact time but to hush the naysayers of the day who were predicting the end at any time.

After all of his study, Newton concluded that the end of the world would come not before 2069. If Sir Isaac has gotten the date pretty close most of the people who read this will not break Mr. Tanabe's longevity record. However it is possible that I could roll in there at about 129. And they would say that Old John wore out -- he sure as hell didn't rust out.

Yall have a great day.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I'm Back

Just a note to say that I am back from the Great Smokey Mountains, and I wasn't eaten by a bear even though I did see a momma and two cubs not far off the deck of the cabin.

When I left on Sunday there had apparently been no fights nor disagreements -- I had to check and make sure I was with the Walters' clan.

All were having a great time, and my two beautiful daughters, Amanda and Laurette, and my very, very wonderful and beautiful granddaughter, Mary Peyton, were in all their splendor. Do I deserve such girls?

Got to go -- am busy today, but I did want to check in. Wishing all of you well.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Blog Is Going To Rest For A Few Days

For the next few days I probably will not have access to a computer as I head to the Great Smokies for the First Annual or maybe First and Last Annual Walters' Family Retreat. I suppose it will depend on how much some of the party is verbally abused as to the future of this outing.

I am most worried about how Amanda and Laurette will act. Those of you who know them know that they are kind of on the wild side. Their Mom and I messed up in their rearing. It is our hope that Rob and Travis can control them to some extent.

See yall Monday, I guess, if I don't get eaten by a bear, and thanks for reading and your comments.

Indians -- Not The Ones I Remember

Was reading that the Mississippi Band of Choctaws, almost 10,000 strong and living on 35,000 acres around Philadelphia, are having an election to select a chief. Phillip Martin, current chief, is trailing in the vote tally to Beasley Denton. Sounds to me like a couple of good ole boys in the runoff for supervisor in District 5 or any county in Mississippi.

But Whoa! Wait a minute. When I was a kid and played cowboys and Indians, and a couple of us wanted to be the Indians, we didn't say, "Hey, you be Phillip, and I'll be Beasley." Whatever happened to names like Running Bear, Crippled Horse, Soaring Eagle and the like? The Lone Ranger's sidekick wasn't named Homer.

I'll bet they don't go around half naked, galloping spotted ponies and riding round and round the settlers' circled wagons anymore either. What is this country coming to?

But you know after having been persecuted, conned out of their land and certainly sometimes killed, the Choctaws and their Indian kin have found a way to exact revenge on the White Man -- CASINOS.

They are laughing all of the way to the bank and deservedly so. Who would have ever thought that one could go to Philadelphia, Mississippi, stay in a first-class hotel, eat in a four-star restaurant, play golf on championship courses and after your stay head home with maybe enough money for gas?

This time the Indians win -- puts a new perspective on the White Man's greed and lack of respect for his red brothers.

Next time I play cowboys and Indians, I am going to be Phillip or Beasley -- whichever one wins.

Sometimes this blog makes a little social comment, but bear with me and agree if you choose.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

An Apology -- Probably Not

It has been brought to my attention by one Robert Martin Marble, MD (my esteemed son-in-law whose wife will not even take his medical advice) that I uttered a "bald-faced lie" and that my blog is the internet equivalent of the National Enquirer in spreading falsehoods and gossip.

Dr. Rob, if I have offended you in any way and do not have my facts correct about your relationship with QT the cat, then I do apologize. However, I have picked up an ally in my defense. Your own sister, Olivia, commented on the QT blog and posted said comment on June 13 at 10:01 a.m.

Quoting Olivia, "QT will always be remembered in the hearts of many (Even in Rob's heart!).

Dr. Marble, I would say that the score is 2 to 1, and I doubt that you will get ANYONE who knows you and QT to support your claim of no love for the cat.

I rest my case.

Lover Not A Fighter

Somehow Fox News online comes up with some of the weirdest and craziest news stories that I usually don't find from too many other sources.

Just yesterday Fox reported about a "Love Bomb." The Air Force has confirmed that in 1994 a military researcher requested $7.5 million to develope a non-lethal "Love Bomb" which would chemically alter the state of mind of the enemy troops and make them want to have sex with one another rather than fight.

Brings on a whole new meaning to "I'm a lover not a fighter." I am not making this stuff up. Paul Harvey including it in his radio broadcast this morning -- how legitimate a source can one have?

An Air Force spokeswoman, a Lt. Col. Cathy Reardon (I didn't make up the name) said that the idea was proposed by a researcher at a lab at Brooks Air Force Base in Texas -- apparently a researcher with way too much time on his hands.

If a chemical can be made that truly would alter a soldier's state of mind and make him or her do things they normally would not do, think of the possibilities of making other kinds of mind-altering bombs.

Of course if you can make a "Love Bomb" conversely a "Hate Bomb" could be produced, but that would defeat the non-lethal and non-violent premise of the "Love Bomb."

Then how about a "Just A Little Fond Of You" bomb in which case the enemy soldiers would stop fighting, but our military guys and gals would not have to witness a complete breakdown of heterosexuality.

There are literally hundreds of possibilities of mind-altering bombs, but time and space constraints are going to limit me to just a few suggestions.

How about a "Hilliary Clinton" bomb where the enemy would have an overpowering urge to go vote -- for anyone else other than her.

"I'm A Rachael Ray Making A 30-Minute Meal" bomb. I can hear those mess kits and canteens clanging along with a chorus of voices screaming, "I'm good to go." However this one can become a violent confrontation if the EVOO runs out. You have to be a Rachael Ray fan to completely understand this one.

You could have a "Dance The Cha Cha" of any other dance bomb. That would be a sight to see, and army dancing 'til it drops.

Probably the best one of all would be an "AWOL" bomb. In this case there would not be an enemy to fight since they have all deserted and left the battlefield.

Rather than shelve this idea, I really think that the military researchers should pursue this type of military device. A number of years ago a bomb called the "neutron bomb" was discussed. With this bomb the people would be killed but no property damaged -- the mind-altering bomb is much better -- people and countries need to become less apt to jump into war.

So the next time someone says to you, "I am a lover, not a fighter" ask them about their military service.

Have a good day (as Paul Harvey would say)

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

A Tale And A Tail Of A Cat

I'm a little not busy right now, so I think I will go ahead and post tomorrow's blog.

Those of you who read this blog have read where I mentioned Floyd the cat. He or she, I don't know which, is my current feline pet and a great one, I might add.

But Floyd had a predecessor, the infamous QT. I don't whether Amanda or Laurette named him, but QT was short for quetip(sp). He was a white cat with an orange tip on his tail.

From the time that QT was born, I knew he was going to be an unusually smart cat and a loving cat. I taught him to roll over like a dog when I snapped my fingers, and he had rather have his belly rubbed than to eat.

QT was a roamer and a fighter. He didn't back down from anything up to and including a saber-tooth tiger. He certainly didn't win all of his battles, but he came out the top cat more often than not. He would come home, lick his wounds for a couple of days and be back at it again.

We thought if we got him "fixed" he would settle down a little. So off to see Carol Crawford, DVM. In performing her surgery, and by all accounts she was a good vet, Dr. Carol apparently missed the "lust" and "prowl" cords. Upon his recovery QT was back to his old tricks.

When we left Aberdeen and moved to an apartment in Memphis, there was no place for QT. Amanda, reluctantly I think, agreed to move QT to the capital city to the complete dismay of Rob. Rob bitched , screamed and moaned, but we all know who has the final say in that household. Rob came to love QT, but he will never admit it.

Well, here goes Amanda down Highway 25 headed for Jackson and QT is in a box on the passenger side. He is growling like a cornered alley cat, and Amanda in trying to calm him, let her foot get just a little heavy, and that old black Taurus cruised on at about 20 mph over the speed limit -- at least that was what the highway patrolman said -- we'll have to take his word for it. But that's another story.

QT took right to the urban life there on Sheffield Drive in Jackson and began to expand his horizons. In his wanderings he found a slutty female feline and brought her home to show to the family. Rob was very unhappy once again, but QT insisted that Snape, as she became to be known, was his one and only true love, and he wanted her as his concubine.

Snape would bathe QT, and they would lie in the sun snuggled together. I even have a picture of them asleep with QT's arm (leg and paw) around her. Snape was never one to get to close to the humans around the house.

Then came time for Amanda, Rob and little Mary Peyton to leave for Winston-Salem, and QT and Snape were going to be homeless.

By that time Melinda and I were living in our house in Olive Branch with a six-foot fence around the back yard -- like that would make a difference to a cat. So I transport QT and Snape to OB, and neither were too thrilled about the trip. I kept them locked up and fed and watered for a couple of days and let them out. Snape was like a cruise missile honing in on the top of that back yard fence -- over and gone -- ner to be seen again.

QT hung around for a few days eating and lounging in one of the patio chairs undoubtly dreaming of his days and nights with Snape. One afternoon he just walked away without saying goodbye, kiss my butt or anything -- just left. But I have no hard feelings knowing that he gave me years of love.

Not long after QT's unheralded departure Floyd shows up out of the blue and stays. Floyd has a ring around his tail. I know that God sent me Floyd because he did not want me to be too sad for too long.

Bon Voyage, QT!

Why Al Gore And I Ain't Best Buds

Regardless of your politics, Al Gore and his relentless campaign to convince us of global warming and the impending destruction of life on earth as we know it, forces me to point out how these scare tactics will effect our everyday lives. To wit, take notice of the following:

1. Ethanol Boon May Lead To Tequila Shortage

Because of the global warming crowd's insistence that we get away from the use of fossil fuels, Mexican farmers are setting afire fields of blue agave, the cactus-like plant used to make tequila, to make room for corn fields. Soaring U.S. demand for ethanol has pushed up the price dramatically. It is predicted that there will be 25-35% less agave available this year.

2. Corn For Ethanol Will Lead To Drop In Production Of Tortillas

Production of more corn but using so much of it for ethanol will mean less corn for tortillas and for the Mexican food devotee a shortage of most all Latin foods because they have a tortilla base.

3. Europeans Stop Growing Food, Start Producing Biofuels

The rapid conversion of fields that produced wheat and/or barley to biofuels is already leading to shortages of ingredients for making pasta and beer.

4. Neptune Is Getting Warmer

Neptune is now the fartherest planet from the sun -- Pluto having been relegated to only a dwarf planet. I suppose it doesn't count if you are a dwarf. To our knowledge, there has been no industrialization out at Neptune in recent times. There has been no buildup of greenhouse gases, no deforestation, not rapid urbanization, no increase in contrails from jet planes and no increase in ozone in the atmosphere, and yet the temperature of Neptune has been on the steady increase since 1980. Could one reason for the warming be solar output?

If I did more research I could come up with some other reasons not to buddy up with Big Al. Did I mention his dopey looks and brain of a gnat?

And because of Big Al's worldwide crusade on global warming we are going to have a shortage of tequila and a much more expensive tequila if we can get it. Look for bar orders for virgin margaritas to skyrocket -- you get much of the taste but little of the kick.

Fewer tortillas will lead to the closing of many Mexican restaurants resulting in our having to drive more than a half mile to dine on Latin food. More Hispanics will be out of work and our less than intelligent Senators and Congressmen/women will have to try and deal with that.

A shortage of pasta and European beer is about the icing on the cake. What are we going to order at Olive Garden -- spaghetti sauce and a straw? Forget about that great tasting dark German and Dutch beers and ales and get used to guzzling down some Bud and Miller Lite.

Then we have the Neptune issue. This is going to make Neptune a less than a desirable vacation spot -- everybody has been to Disney World except the Clarks.

Meanwhile Big Al, you and Tipper keep living in that big house using all that TVA power partially made from fossil fuel and flying in that big jet using all that fossil fuel while you are hawking that Oscar-winning documentary and new book of yours. And we peons out here will drink less tequila and European beer, eat less pasta and Mexican food and shelve our dreams of a vacation to Neptune.

We 'preciate you Big Guy?

Monday, June 11, 2007

No News Is Good News -- I Guess

There is just not much to write about in this blog today. Everybody on the planet knows that Paris is still in the clink, the MSU Dawgs are going to hightail it to Omaha this week, the Ole Miss Rebels are going to dragtail it back to Oxford after losing two straight to the Sun Devils of Arizona State, the Sopranos ended with a climax that nobody liked (I don't have HBO, so I have never watched except for one time at Amanda's), the Iraq war is still going on, Hillary is still saying that faith led her through her turmoils in her White House years, and you know what Bill is still saying, and I am slaving over this blog everyday and nobody reads it. I know that yall don't have time to write in your own blog, but what has happened to your reading ability?

The Walters' Clan (I am part of this bunch only through marriage) is headed to Gatlinburg this Friday for about six days of rest, relaxation, dissatisfaction and argument. I can guarantee that some of the clan will have a problem with some or all of the following: the accomodations, the food or lack of food, the weather, the lack of bears or the prethora of bears and whatever -- you add to the list.

Amanda's and Laurette's grandfather, Mert, will come having rather been on his way to Omaha and most likely the cabin will not have ESPN as a TV choice. This will certainly add to the "unhappiness" that will be evident to all.

I am the lucky one in that I have to work next week and will motor back to Olive Branch on Sunday. My Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of next week will be spent in quiet places -- my home and workplace. I will have no one to argue with except Floyd the cat, and he sleeps 24/7.

Tomorrow is a red letter day for me in that I will have a birthday. I never cease to be amazed that I am living this long since I was in my twenties in the sixties -- a really wild decade. Well anyway I have made it this far, and Laurette, Amanda and Melinda have not had me committed and certified as crazy, so they can share in my vast fortune.

Everybody have a great day, and I hope to have more for you tomorrow.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

How 'Bout Dem Dawgs!


After the SEC tournament nobody gave Ron Polk and his Diamond Dawgs much of a chance to go any further toward the College World Series. But baseball folk began to take notice when in the Florida State Regional the Dawgs cleaned the Seminoles' plow -- a little A&M reference there -- get it -- cleaned plow. Oh well, I digress.

After Larry Templeton withdrew the MSU bid to host a Regional, he quickly resubmitted our little old application to offer Polk-Dement as a site for a Super Regional. The NCAA, perhaps remembering times when we had packed houses for regional tourneys, decided the Bullies deserved the honor of hosting Clemson rather than our traveling to that little A&M institution.

And Dawgs fans responded with their big and little butts sitting and sweating in those bleachers, setting an all-time Super Regional attendance mark on Friday and breaking that record on Saturday. There was some cooking going on in that Left Field Lounge, and there was some Dawg cooking going on on the diamond or rather some Tiger cooking as it turned out.

I had three TV's on ESPN in the house, and Jim Ellis was a guest in my backyard -- not really, but I am sure that the neighbors enjoyed his broadcast of the game and had no problem hearing the game on my outside radio. Nobody was home but I -- Melinda was in Aberdeen and Oxford and points south -- more about that later. Anyway, there was no one with whom I could celebrate. So the victory party was limited to me, Floyd my cat and a bottle of Tilburg's Dutch Brown Ale. The three of us should get together more often.

Now I am in a quandry. At this writing the mighty Rebels are 0-1 in their quest for a CWS berth. I have mixed emotions. On the one hand I don't want anything good to ever happen to Ole Miss, and on the other it would be nice if by some quirk of fate, the Dawgs could meet them one more time for all of the marbles.

I suppose I shouldn't dislike them so, so much since they do represent our great state as well, but in all my years on this planet and being a Dawg fan, I have just about gotten my craw full of the Rebels. I don't like Ole Miss. I don't like Oxford -- even though I have enjoyed a few John Grisham novels. I don't even like Lafayette County. Melinda, as I mentioned above, was in Oxford yesterday afternoon and upon her return to the confines of DeSoto County, I made her hose off before I would let her in the house. I can take no chances of Ole Miss infestation in my house. Maybe I am a little overboard, but I bet there are some out there who dislike them much, much more.

Anyway, best of luck to the Dawgs next weekend. We will either play North Carolina or South Carolina, depending on who wins that Super Regional.

It's great to be a DAWG!

Please, please Sylvester take notice.

One really gets the feeling that the glory days may be back -- at least the Bullies are one of the eight best college baseball teams in the country. Of course you all know that this will be the 8th CWS for State and the first appearance since 1998.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Say What?

Have you ever imagined that you were an immigrant to the United States, and you were having to learn English as a second language?

I'm not multilingual and have no idea the idioms that are found in other languages, but speaking the American version of English, I can believe the difficulty for one learning the language to understand what we Americans are sometimes saying.

Being an English teacher of some years ago, I am facinated by our use of the language and how so many idioms have found their way into our speech. A case in point -- "knock on wood, but I think I've got my mojo working if I don't go to hell in a handbasket, but I could be in like Flynn or get caught with my pants down." Say what? Normally one would not string a whole bunch of these idioms together, but you see what happens when one does.

I started thinking about this idiom business as I was reading about George Bush being a "lame duck" President. That actually came from 18th century England and referred to a stockbroker who defaulted on his debts. Quite a stretch, but it was first used in the U.S. to describe President James Buchanan's lack of action in the Confederate States' secession.

Buchanan was probably not "sharp as a tack" nor "smart as a whip." He just wanted to "let sleeping dogs lie."

How about "don't try to teach your grandma to suck eggs" -- got any idea what that means?

Of course we have all heard of "flip the bird"-- "cute as a bug's ear"-- "clean as a whistle"-- "three sheets to the wind"-- "apple of my eye"-- "close but no cigar"-- "excuse my French"-- "getting down to brass tacks"-- "high on the hog" and the list goes on and on. We can scarcely speak a dozen sentences without introducing one or more idioms, but it does make our language much more interesting.

Well I'm going "back to square one" with this "cock and bull story" and see if I can "get my s... together." Now that is colorful language.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Poor, Poor Paris

Just read in the news online that Paris has been sent back to the bighouse kicking, screaming and crying. Apparently the judge was a little peeved at the turn of events in that he gave her the whole 45 days instead of the 22 or 23 she initially got.

One blogger I read said that there should be a moratoriam on mentioning the names of Paris Hilton and Osama Bin Laden by any media venue for a whole year..... unless they got married to each other and then all bets were off.

Mary Winkler, on the other hand, looks as if she may spend less time in jail than Paris. The judge gave her 3 years with 210 days to be served and the remainer on probation. Plus she gets to count the 5 months she has already been locked up. If she goes to a mental facility, my understanding is that she can spend up to 60 days there ..... bingo! you are down to "0". Ain't justice grand?

Now here would be a perfect time to bring up O. J. Simpson and his brush with the justice system. He hacks two people to death and walks away a free man. Go figure.

Here's what it boils down to ..... you can brutally murder two people and get off scott free or you can shoot your no good husband in the back and get 210 days or you can violate your parole on a traffic violation and get 45 days. Seems as though we need to get a little consistency in the matter of jurisprudence in this country. Be that as it may, we still live in the greatest country on earth, and we can live with some quirky justice as long as we are not standing in front of the bench listening to the bailiff say, "Here come de judge."

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Setting up this blog has really been a pain in the b..., but maybe I finally have it done. I am beginning to believe that you really cannot teach an old dog new tricks. I am counting on Laurette to dress up the site a little with perhaps some pictures or nice fonts, headings etc.

I am trying to do this while waiting on customers who want to buy a commode or some other plumbing fixture. It's really funny in that all of our commodes are named -- the Drake, the Clayton, the Promenade, the Lloyd (our most expensive) and the list goes on and on. It reminds me of when Al Bundy (Married With Children), who spent lots and lots of time in the bathroom, mailordered a "Jefferson" or some such toilet which was the top of the line. He was in hog heaven. I miss that show.

Speaking of toilets, I bought Melinda one for her birthday last year. It was by a manufacturer, St. Thomas, and was called the "Celebration." I'm not sure if one could chacterize the bathroom experience as a "celebration", but whatever she is happy. Also, St. Thomas refers its toilets as "water closets." I do prefer that -- it sounds so British.

Laurette is probably going to chastize me for what I have written here, but what the h... I had to write something.