You Can't Fix Stupid

Ron White, one of my favorite standup comedians, coined the line, "You Can't Fix Stupid," and it is true -- you absolutely can't.

Case in point: A grieving daughter, whose father had passed away, goes to the Los Angeles parking authority to obtain permits to park for those attending the funeral. She could not resist laughing, even in her sorrow, when she was told by the clerk that she could not issue a permit without a letter signed by him.

You can't fix stupid!

Web Walters, my nephew, furnished me with the following examples. Some of you may have received them by e-mail -- they do, however, bear repeating.

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned out when he ran" accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

You can't fix stupid!

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime in Washington, D.C., appeared to be the robber's first (and last) due to his lack of a previous record of violence and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather and Firearms -- a gunshop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers -- firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before going on duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a targer pistol. The officer and clerk promptly returned fire, assisted by several customers who drew their guns and fired.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases, and the subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds to the perpetrator. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons, and no one else was hurt in the barrage.

You can't fix stupid!

My personal favorite: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, N.J., and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured. It seems as though the Stillers were driving around about 2:00 in the morning when they got the bright idea that they would light the quarter stick of dynamite they were carrying in the car and throw it out the window just to see what would happen. It was too late when they realized the windows in the car were up.

You can't fix stupid!

And finally this one is not to be read at dinnertime but here goes. An overzealous zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt of Paderborn, Germany, fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative along with more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm let it fly. Had Riesfeldt not been at the moment trying to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema, he would not have been buried under an avalanche of 200 pounds of poop. The sheer force of the explosion knocked the doomed zookeeper to the ground whereupon he cracked his head on a rock and lay unconscious. Unfortunately he was under the mountain of dung too long to survive before he was discovered.

Stupidity just cannot be fixed -- don't even try.

Aren't we glad we are smart and don't do stupid things -- or do we?